Hiroshima Diary Essay

First of all, I would worry to say that you have an overall good base in my opinion. The first involvement that I can suggest is a cave in hook. My attention wasnt drawn into the paper. I suggest a quote by a scientist or new(prenominal) survivor, and/or a statistic something that will make a reader think about the paper more. Another thing that I can recommend is to add a little bit more background on the two narratives, but just real brief (a couple sentences). Also Id like to point out some things that you could use to improve your thesis. The essay is about cause and effect so it has to be mentioned in your thesis. Also mention the 2 things you will comp atomic number 18 between the two stories so the reader has an idea where the paper will be going.Other things I noticed that sounded awkward are the way you used quotes. Introducing quotes is a better strategy than just using the quote as a sentence (paragraph 2) as it gives a better flow and gives a better explanation for your argument. Also in my opinion you could expand more on your analysis of both paragraphs and connect your argument to the thesis and to each(prenominal) other so you have a better evaluation of the discussed topic.There are several other small issues that I found. In paragraph 3 you used a long quote, which is 4+ lines, and it should be in a block format and indented. Also you used very short sentences such as, here(predicate) are the quotes for the effect. Using more complex sentences gives a better flow and a more professed(prenominal) look to your essay.You also had some good things in your essay. You provided very concise summary to inform a reader about the story and point out the most important information. You point. Also you have very good topic sentences introducing the argument of that paragraph. From your topic sentences I was able to know what they paragraph would be about, and you were unchanging with it.After reading your essay and compared it to my own, I figu red that I need to include a better summary. I do not give sufficient background information to be enough for my analysis. Junjie, you did a great job at providing accurate citations, great summary and good analysis. However, you could work on expanding your tax write-off and evaluation of the argument in your body paragraph. Otherwise, good job.